Photo by Tom Gates

Detroit CEOs could have putt-putted to Washington in little hybrid-mobiles to plead hat-in-hand for $25 billion—but here’s a “caviar”-crunch shocker. A crème de la crème delegation of UALs (United A-Listers) has hit the Capitol to DEMAND their own multi-billion-dollar handout from Uncle Sam! Are the Movers & Shakers down to their very last billion? Well, if you have to ask, you don’t know the Rich & Glitzy. They simply need MORE $$$! Want MORE, need MORE—and won’t take no for an answer! And why not? “We are the economy,” one Park Avenue Powerhouse claims. “No respectable A-lister can survive on a few hundred million these days.”

It’s the Billionaire Bailout!

The UALs did not arrive to DC in mini putt-putts. They showed up in humongous limos, personally monogrammed jets, even sailed their mammoth His or Her yachts right up the Potomac! Several VIPs (Very Important Party-givers), dripping in sable head to toe (“Screw PETA!”), flaunted banners: “Give me Caviar or give me Death!” “Buffet Lines, not Bread Lines!” “Up with Fashionistas—down with Frugalistas!”

In hush-hush hearings behind clamped doors, the UALs met with top-ranking Senators to press their extraordinary demands, which included:

• $5 billion Truffle Trust: “We simply cannot exist without more truffles!” one Mega-Manhattanite told the Committee. “The pièce de résistance of my very intimate dinner parties are the white truffles I fly in weekly from France, at my own expense and in my own jet. I CAN’T live without white truffles— in bread, pastas, sauces, salad dressings— and neither can my guests! In these trying times, I must have an extra billion for my annual truffle budget. And I propose a wonderful way to save the country: I pledge to invest $4 billion and turn the entire Midwest into one endless prairie of All-American Truffle Farms!”

• $1 billion Hedge Fund: A heavy honcho developer also socked it to the Committee: “I simply need dozens and dozens of more gardeners to cut my Hedges! I have a townhouse in Manhattan, a beach house in the Hamptons, a ranch house in Montana, and a ski house in Aspen. Now my wife has her heart set on a 10,000-acre farmhouse in Vermont. It’s great for illegal immigrants, too—I’d employ all of ‘em!” [Cheers from every UAL!]

• $4 billion Blahnik Bond: As the Mother of all Socialites said, “Gentlemen of the Committee, I need Blahniks! You know that without the daily whirl of parties and charity galas, A-listers would plunge into the Big Depression. And you know it’s against the A-laws to wear ANYTHING twice! Well, because of the credit-crunch I have NOT bought a single pair of Blahniks, or Jimmy Choos, in a week! I haven’t stepped foot into Bulgari, Harry Winston, Cartier, or Van Cleef, and haven’t considered buying a new Balenciaga, Dior, Chanel or Gucci! Give me $4 billion!”

• $5 billion Art-Attack Prevention Package: “I’m an avid art collector and now it’s worth s**t,” one big-time investor complained. “Now who would walk into a home with a worthless art collection? Besides, I keep the art world going and donate plenty to museums. I’ve gotta have $5 bil!”

• $10 billion Spending Spree Credit Act: Several of the Rich & Glitzy confessed they just need a good old spending rampage to remember the boom times. “I need Retail Shock Therapy,” one admitted. “I’ve already maxed out credit cards that have no limit!"

The Senators then grilled the UALs: “What about the billions for Detroit?”

“We really do prefer a Mercedes, Jaguar, Rolls, Range Rover, Maserati, or Ferrari,” replied a whiz-kid tycoon. “Let Detroit eat motor oil.”

“What about the banks?”

“We bank offshore or in Switzerland,” said the Mega-Manhattanite. “Let ‘em roll.”

“Do you really think the Government is simply Big Brother, handing out billions to whomever?” “Dah-h-lings,” purred the Mother of all Socialites. “Big Brother is old news. We like to think of Government as Big Mama. And Mama always enables her favorite kiddies!”

Well of course the UALs got their big bailout—they always get what they want! And, in case you were worried about them, we can all sleep easy knowing the Rich & Glitzy will never be down to their last billion. Remember, what’s good for A-listers is good for America!

Enjoy The Sheet!

Joan Jedell appears on national and local TV.
Her photographs are syndicated worldwide.