Operation Iraqi Freedom may be over, but as the red hot High Society Season 2003 revs up in the Hamptons, A-listers are mounting their own no-holds-barred offensive in what promises to be one long, bloody, uphill battle. As anyone who is anybody knows, the Rich & Glitzy positively and absolutely Refuse to Age—and damn any UN resolution!—so they’re armed and ready for their own campaign: Operation Fountain of Youth!! After all, Aging is the Ultimate Terrorist. And the Glam Gang just happen to have at their disposal a stockpile of chemical and biological weapons that makes Saddam’s stash look like a box of Godiva chocolates. Botox (which after all is a form of the live botulism virus), collagen, silicone—the list is endless!

And who exactly is the enemy, the evildoers? Crow’s feet! Laugh lines! Chicken necks! Sagging eyelids! Droopy bosoms! Flabby tummies! Wide-load hips! Hanging tushes! Floppy thighs! Fat in all the wrong places in any shape or form, and—most of all—dreaded cellulite! (And for all you guys out there—we mean you, too.) High Society is out to destroy them all!! To win Operation Fountain of Youth, they will stop at nothing—and that means any lengths necessary, with the expert help of a battery of “military advisors” (AKA plastic surgeons)—including thousands of bunker-busting facial injections (at more than a few events, I couldn’t tell some inflated faces from party balloons!), tools that slash muscles to tighten skin, lift a face, chisel a nose (Michael Jackson, anyone?), or raise a boob, and tubes that suck every ounce of enemy fat out. And yet—just dare ask an A-lister whether she (or he) has had the slightest bit of work done, and what do you get? Shock and Awe!!! “Never!” And some work is so flawless, even “weapons inspectors” can’t detect a scar!

Of course, the Glamourati, who are always on the front lines of noble causes, would tell you they’re fighting Operation Fountain of Youth to free the world from the tyranny of aging. And come to think of it, why would anyone want to age naturally anyway? Wipe out old age—now it’s the Young or the Dead. Look at Kitty Carlisle Hart—at 92 years young!

The Glam crowd is always ahead of the game, and they ought to know what’s important—because they have more fun than anybody else. They’re fighting on the front lines because—Fake is Fabulous! Why be natural when you can cap stained teeth, lengthen chipped nails, or get bee-stung lips? And why bother dieting or exercising when you can get it Sucked & Tucked? In fact, some A-listers are lobbying for a Constitutional Amendment, a Bill of Fake Rights: Anyone with flabby arms, beer bellies, or turbo butts are banned from all High Society bashes! Also added to the Bill: If anyone reports on or tells a woman’s age, it will be punishable by death!

And just who are the allies of these ageless beauties in Operation Fountain of Youth? No, not France or Germany. Think Estee Lauder, Lancome, Chanel, or Dr. Perricone’s “Wrinkle Cure” regiment, to name a few!!

Well, if there’s one thing you can count on when it comes to Manhattan’s and the Hamptons’ ultimate Movers & Shakers—nothing on their faces or bodies moves or shakes!!

Tired of being real but can’t afford fake? Don’t fret. Head transplants are the thing of the future. You’ll be able to take care of anything above the shoulder with one fell swoop!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend! We must never forget!