Let’s be straightforward. (Or “gaily forward,” as gays like to say when they mean “straight ahead.”) Today if you’re unfortunate enough to be straight, you’re Out. I don’t mean out of the closet — I mean Outed!— exposed as a Heterosexual, a mere “Breeder” — washed up, written off in High Society. Diminished and Finished! Gays are America’s new straights—the “in” new role models! Turn on the tube and catch the super-hit Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Gays giving heterosexuals a makeover because—can we talk?—everybody knows that when it comes to taste and style (especially arranging flowers or decorating bachelor pads), straight guys are natural-born slobs, losers — they’re not gay!

Take Mike Ovitz, who took a verbal swing at Hollywood’s (real or imaginary) Gay Mafia—when’s the last time you spotted his name on an A-list? In fact, just look around any tony event: Straights are now TOKENS! Wallpaper for the new social superstars — GAYS!

So why does Tom Cruise keep suing the tabloids for “lavender” allegations? Doesn’t he get it? Being labeled “queer” is — hello — like winning the OSCAR! It means you’re IN! On Broadway, straights are fighting to play gay roles these days because—there aren’t enough straight ones left! Who’d want to see plays about straight people anyway when it’s … S-O-O-O-O-O-O UNNATURAL??

It used to be the audience would clap when boy gets girl. Now it’s—when boy gets boy—oh boy! So when Hugh Jackman kisses a guy eight times a week in The Boy From Oz (we’ve gotten so used to that kind of thing), nobody even realizes it’s practically a first.

Then, of course, there’s Rosie! When O’Donnell’s publisher Gruner + Jahr dissed her for Extreme Diva tendencies, suing her for folding her magazine, Rosie’s lawyer quickly defended her as “quirky, artistic, a mother of four, and … gay!” Why, she’s as American as a huge apple pie! Rosie IS America! When it comes to being IN, Rosie’s at the top, because she packs a double whammy—a “Gay Feminist!!” At a rehearsal for her new Broadway musical Taboo, of which O’Donnell is the sole producer (she put in the whole $10 mil enchilada), it’s been written that the diva was overheard proclaiming, “Hey, look at us, we’re all gay! We win!” Who knew we were keeping score? So why does she bother to throw the word “homophobe” around when today everybody who is anybody is a “Heterophobe”(The Sheet’s new term for fear of heteros)??

So the tables have turned—the pendulum has swung—and with a vengeance! And now there’s a Gay Bishop! (Though I still can’t .gure out a way to have gays without “Breeders” … hmmmm … CLONING?) Has being straight become … UN-AMERICAN? If you’re straight, DON’T ASK … DON’T TELL—STAY IN THE CLOSET!! It may be high time for straights to simply pack up and go someplace where they feel safe and tolerated (don’t even think Fire Island or Key West) … like Iraq!

What’s gay anyway? Maybe we need to rede.ne the term so it’s more inclusive. Am I gay if I sometimes feel like a man in a woman’s body—but I like men? And can a guy be gay if he feels the slightest sense of feminine intuition or sensitivity (what’s being termed, these days, as “metrosexual”) — a woman in a man’s body — but is attracted to women? And hey — if you ever feel carefree or happy, you can be gay too!! And we can all be one happy, er, blended gay American family!

Hey, some of my best friends are straight … not that there’s anything wrong with it!