Gov. David Paterson, Joan Jedell at the Inner Circle

Two heads are better than one?!

Finally, the unthinkable: U.S. LEVELED BY DIRTY BOMBS! And it isn’t terrorists: It’s A-List politicos’ SEX SCANDALS! One more stunner, and any American left standing will need Hazmat suits: First, “Mr. Clean” Gov. Eliot Spitzer blew up his career over a $4,000-a-night hooker looker. Then, new kid on the block Gov. David Paterson set off an explosion with his confession of a turnstile sex harem! Next up, the detonation of a baby-faced chauffeur who admitted riding shotgun in three-way sex-capades with former Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey & ex-Wifey! And top it off with Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who could face 15 years in the slammer after his steamy text messages to a female chief-of-staff blew out his sworn testimony that he did not have an affair with that woman!

So what’s the problem with Eliot, Dave, Jim, and Kwame? ... Just to name a few!

It’s as simple as basic anatomy: Like every male since Creation—er, Procreation?— these guys have two heads. One has a sane, reasonable brain—we’ll call it Tom. The other, is mindless —let’s call it Dick. And Dick is like a kid with a 24/7 itch that must get his hands on whatever it desires ASAP! Like a little boy who needs to run from Mommy to prove he can stand up on his own, the dumb head needs to escape the sane one. So, should Eliot, Dave, Jim, or Kwame be punished for Dick? Is it their fault they were born with two heads? Why blame the nature of the beast? Would you punish a snake for biting you when it’s his nature to BITE (sorry, Marv Albert)?! Like the song goes, “Birds do it, bees do it, even politicians with everything to lose do it ...”

Now the smart guy consults with the head with the brain before acting on the dumb head. But for these alpha-male Power Players, Tom thinks he’s UNTOUCHABLE (no pun, Dick)! He believes he can get away with anything he wants without Dick getting caught. There seems to be six degrees of separation between Tom and Dick. So when he wasn’t in moral gunslinger mode, The Spitz liked to play doctor—or in this game
Client Number 9—with Bronze Baby doll “Kristen.” Prez C. liked to toy with cigars. Dickie Morris liked little toes. Jim McGreevey and lavatory
trawler Larry Craig like Ken dolls. They’re just doing what comes naturally to guys with two heads! Are they any worse than some other politicos on Capitol Hill who we haven’t heard about yet? (Warning: Curb your enthusiasm!) Everybody knows where there’s one cock-roach there are dozens. See one mouse, and a herd is stashed in the walls. So all the alpha-studs who dog pile on Eliot, Dave, Jim or Kwame to squash them could be sniffing the same bowl—chances are, they’re all Emperors Club VIPs and perhaps have checked in to the same Roach Motel!

And face it, Sex Sells. The public has become the national confessional: Any wannabe politico should forget about U.S. debt or foreign policy—
he should campaign strictly on his Domestic Sex Life! The days when sex was an intimate Private Matter is history ... Now Privates are Public!
Want to be erected ... er, elected? Let Dick loose and broadcast it on CNN (à la new Gov. Paterson).

And what about the Slut Scouts?! While the wives are crushed, the sluts are raking it in! “Kristen”—aka “Victoria,” “Sam,” “Ashley” — netted over $200,000 on her website in one day! She could pocket another mil when she peddles her tawdry tales to the tabloids. Used to be, sluts were branded with the Scarlet Letter. Now The Slut-Factor looks like the road to fame and fortune—it’s the quickest way up the ropes. Move over Paris and Lindsay— “Kristen” has taken over top-position! Why be just a looker
when you can be a hooker looker! Kristen may just be the new trendsetter. It’s the hot line for summer: Bare it all ... there’s no such thing as a slut anymore, dah-lings ... don’t worry!

So what’s a humiliated wife to do when she finds out her two-headed hubby has two-timed her? She can do a Bobbitt on him, like Lorena.
She can kill him, like Jean Harris. She can forgive him, like Hillary. Or leave him, like Dina Matos McGreevey.

BUT: Should Tom really be penal-ized for Dick’s bad behavior? Maybe we should level the playing field and focus on Tom’s achievements—not Dick’s sex-capades. Perhaps an updated version of Tina Turner’s hit tune should be, “What’s SEX got to do with it?” Dick may be crawling out of
the closet, cubbyholes and drawers but Tom is still doing his job! As long as we don’t have to shell out taxes for Dick’s behind-closed-door romps, does it really add up to a public issue? And should politicos’ achieve ments be destroyed by dirty bomb headlines?

Enjoy The Sheet!

Joan Jedell appears on national and local TV.
Her photographs are syndicated worldwide.