Photo by Tom Gates

You can’t ask a Type-A New Yorker to slow down. But if that were the case, hospitals would be filled with too many heart attack and stroke patients. This is why we live here: to feed our fast-pace addiction. And yet rude people dare to break our stride as we rush through the day! To that end, I’ve composed a list of complaints, with accompanying suggestions for how to resolve the difficulty with those Type-B’s:

The HOV lane: ticket those who don’t speed and get them out of that lane … fast! It becomes a trap (they’re too slow and we can’t get out!) while others in what are supposedly the slower lanes are passing us by. Oh, the irony.

Left-laners: if they don’t top the speed limit, then ticket them too! Don’t they know the stress they are causing?! Now that is passive-aggressive behavior! Even flashing the annoying brights at them doesn’t work anymore!

Doormen hosing down streets while people are going to work: even when they do turn off those hoses, water ends up splashing onto our clothing anyway. Can’t they do it at 6:00 a.m.?

Smoking on the street: should be totally illegal. Simply walking behind a smoker can choke you. I suggest cages on corners where smokers can choke together. We can call it the Big Choke-Along, and make a charity event (NYC needs more of those, right?!) out of it with a tax-deductible fee to enter the cage. All proceeds going to the American Cancer Society.

Walking on the street at a snail’s pace: let’s propose a two-lane paradigm. The slower pacers can take one side of the street and the other will be for speed-walkers who have some­place to get to … fast! Speed limits will be posted and tickets handed out to those caught on the wrong side.

Chewing with your mouth open: not only do you sound like a “moo” but you look like an “oink!” Watchdogs will hand out tickets at restaurants, parks, and of course charity events!

Garbage truck pick-ups: tying up traffic at prime times is inexcusable! The middle of the night is preferred. Next time those guys hold you up, pull your car around and hold them up, then see what happens. (I did that once, and they tried to ram my car! I was returning from the Hamptons when I pulled up in front of them and stopped, and yelled out, “Now you have to wait for me to unload my garbage.” Didn’t go over too well. But people were hanging out of their windows, applauding.)

Tourists: there should be a quota for each gaggle of tourists that congests the streets.

Dog walkers: ratio of dogs to humans should never be more than 4:1. One hundred dogs and one dog walker is just TOO MANY! And take a walk in the park, not on the streets. (Perhaps a separate “Doggie Lane” leading to the park would do-doo.)

Nannies with kids in strollers: Walking in packs, they tie up the streets! Same as the dog walkers: find a separate lane.

PDA: public displays of affection. Get a room!
Parades: to be abolished. Or have ONE that includes all the celebrants: Thanksgiving, Israeli, Gay Pride, Puerto Rican Day, St. Patty’s, etc. One huge parade, and then the rest of us can scoot out of town quickly and efficiently!

Foul-smelling cab drivers: enough with the curry already! Stop eating those hot dogs and gyros, and please use deodorant (even if it’s against religious beliefs).

Catcalls from the fruit stand guys: and just because you show a little ankle!

Elevators: they need to keep up with the pace of an A-type! In our minds we are already out of the elevator and it’s only on the 15th floor! They’re on Idaho time. Speed ‘em up!

No-talking policy in elevators: especially in foreign languages behind our backs. We know you’re talking about us!

Waiting in line: Type-A’s are highly allergic to this. We need special lines, e.g., the no-line line. How about putting cashiers, postal workers, etc. on commission—that should move them along!

Let’s get real: this is The Big Apple, where there are more Type-A personalities living in the fast lane than not. The minority must adapt: you slowpokes, cab drivers, cell enthusiasts, parade marchers, and all of the above—it’s time for a change. It’s not that Type-A’s appear to have a sense of entitlement—it’s just a necessity! So if you can’t take the heat, then, as they say, get out of the (urban) kitchen! Move to the burbs; you’ll be happier, and so will we!

*The Exception: Summer on the South Fork, when the Type-A turns it all off and becomes a temporary Type-B, and we all live Hamptonly ever after.

Enjoy The Sheet.

Joan

Joan Jedell appears on national and local TV.
Her photographs are syndicated worldwide.