Joan Jedell with Russell Simmons at the Art for Life Benefit

  Long gone are the days when the A-list closed ranks against the outside world and practically had the Marines guard their Very Important Privacy (VIP), dah-lings. Today they thrive on every flashbulb of publicity they can get, and if there's one thing they're sure of, it's that everyone on earth is dying to hear-to hang onto and salivate over-their every word. So no wonder they've fallen head over heels with Twitter!
  Now for the few woefully uninformed, "Twitter"-and "Tweets"-aren't singing parakeets. Twitter is a free social network that you join-so how could A-listers not adore it? One, it's FREE, just like gala goodie bags. Two, it's SOCIAL, and who is more social than the A-list? Three, it's a NETWORK, and they invented the word. And four, you JOIN IT, like a club. Except Twitter isn't exclusive: once you send a Tweet-a-less-than-140-character text from your cell phone or BlackBerry-every other Twitter-bug on the planet can read it. Which, of course, strokes those High & Mighty egos to a tee.
  And in the tradition of twits, er, wits like Oscar Wilde and Dorothy Parker, VITs (Very Important Twitterers) love to sharpen their knives and nails with their own instant A-quips-especially against one another! Here's a VIT sampling... call them Twitter D & Twitter Dum:

Twitter D: If I could trade my husband for any billionaire, living or dead, I would.
Twitter Dum: Your only shot is to get to Frank E. Campbell's FAST.
Twitter D: After reading about Obama's health care plan, thought WTF, bought my own hospital.
Twitter Dum: Hazelden?
Twitter D: OMG, I curse the day my brother-in-law introduced me to Madoff!
Twitter Dum: Save your breath. You need it to resuscitate your bank account.
Twitter D: So sorry, couldn't include you at my Hamptons bash. The tent only holds 200, and you were 201 on my list.
Twitter Dum: ZZZZZ. Hear you got so few RSVPs you only needed a teepee.
Twitter D: I heard he took Viagra but his date never showed.
Twitter Dum: Is that why his hand's in a cast?
Twitter D: She said to get Preparation H for the hemorrhoid. I told her, darling, the only H I use is a Hermes fragrance.
Twitter Dum: You can bet your sweet ass.
Twitter D: My dowager mother-in-law is begging us to come to Palm Beach so "she can see the family once more before she dies."
Twitter Dum: Tell her you promise to come if she swears to die.
Twitter D: She might work at Morgan Stanley but wants his money so bad she gave him a BJ in the men's room.
Twitter Dum: You mean a Bank Job?
Twitter D: Did you get a load of her diamonds at Bridgehampton Polo?
Twitter Dum: I had to put on my shades in self-defense.
Twitter D: She wants to sell off two pads to downsize.
Twitter Dum: Tell her to start with breast reduction.
Twitter D: The shiztus keep humping my husband's leg.
Twitter Dum: What do you expect, he's a petophile.
Twitter D: Today's 'to do' list: shop, buy it, return it, lunch, shop, buy it, return it.
Twitter Dum: It's better exercise than Pilates.
Twitter D: How does one separate the men from the boys at that Southampton Pride Party?
Twitter Dum: With a crowbar.
Twitter D: She's marrying him? He's mega-rich but ancient and toothless.
Twitter Dum: Never look a gift hearse in the mouth.
Twitter D: What happened to summer? All I feel are the pains of Labor Day.
Twitter Dum: OMG, when did you get pregnant?
Twitter D: You are really Twitter DUMB. Have a good fall-but don't break a leg!

Enjoy The Sheet!

Joan Jedell appears on national and local TV.
Her photographs are syndicated worldwide.