|
By now you’ve no doubt heard there’s a revolt raging in the Hamptons that promises to make the Mideast conflict look like a sesame-cake tea party.  Some veh-ry A-list beachfront estate owners are battling to secede, a la American Revolution, from the town of Southampton—not to mention Water Mill, Bridgehampton, and Sagaponack—and form their own new colony … Dune Hampton! And these Ultra-Hamptonites—whose Sand Castles average about $4 mil—are fighting mad: “The Town of Southampton has become increasingly insensitive to the property rights of beachfront owners,” claims the Dune Hampton Website.
At issue is the right of the Beachfront Millionaires & Billionaires to rebuild their digs in the event of natural disasters. It seems the town of Southampton is trying to halt beach erosion, and opponents fear the Mega-Rich Rebels just might have the right to erect hard walls and even high-rises on the dunes. “We’ll look like Palm Beach,” complains one Southamptonite: “All walls and no beach.” Opponents are also riled that whole stretches of sand could become off-bounds to Commoners—like day-trippers and house-share weekenders. And these foes dub the proposed new village “Snake Hampton”! Well, what’s all the fuss about?? Why shouldn’t everyone have a Hampton of their own if they want it?? I mean, hel-lo!—there are enough Hamptons to go around for everybody, and here’s some simple solutions to thwart the revolt from becoming an all-out war:
Sag Hampton in Sag Harbor would be reserved exclusively for the out-of-shape. Couch potatoes and beer bellies would be welcome, and the annual Flab Parade would shuffle down Main Street—no gym rats or Pilates fans allowed within town limits. Don’t look for any health foods or roadside farm stands—a new Candy Kitchen would open and sell only carbs and sweets!
Gay Hampton would be totally restricted. Orient Point would be renamed Sexual Orientation Point and Gay Hampton would be the only colony zoned for all-night discos, drag queens, transsexuals, and nude beaches. If you’re thinking about coming out of the closet (not to mention the drawer), this could be the place for you! No wonder the town is concerned about crowd control …
Prada Hampton would permit no one but fashionistas. No beaches needed since 4-inch Manolo and Jimmy Choo stilettos would be mandatory. This would be the only Hampton where air kisses are legal, but be warned—Gucci, Chanel, and Calvin Klein lovers could freely roam boutique-lined streets, but the Prada Police could shoot anyone in Gap or J. Crew on sight. This would be no Banana Republic!
Rap Hampton would cater to young, gorgeous hipsters. P. Diddy would be Honorary Mayor and could throw bashes anytime he pleased ... all-White, of course.
Share Hampton would be available for every Bridge & Tunnel bubble head and swinging single, a la Barbara Kopple’s Hamptons documentary. And judging from the bar scene, Nick and Toni’s would immediately move to Share Hampton. Residents would have to live nine to a house and would be banned anywhere south of the highway. Wanna beach? Hit some bay rocks or fill up the bathtub with a keg of beer.
And as for Snake Hampton … well, more than a few venomous A-listers, media elite-types, and PR divas could find their perfect poisonous paradise … Stay tuned for more about this Hampton, including names, at a later date.
Enjoy The Sheet.
Joan Jedell appears on national and local tv and radio.
Her photographs are syndicated worldwide.
|
