BUG OFF!

         I frequently use this space to talk about things that bug me. This month, I figure it’s only fair to share a bit of space to chat about actual “bugs.

Bugs, you ask? Yes, bugs. Those creepy crawlies are all over the Hamptons. As someone who likes to think of herself as an insect hobbyist of sorts, I have put together the “Joan Jedell’s Guide to Entomology,” which is a comprehensive guide to bugs and bug-watching in the Hamptons.

 

More likely than not, most of you have encountered the famed Water Mill Mosquito at some point in your life. This insect could be in the most gorgeous place in the Hamptons (and you know there are many), but it doesn’t matter. Despite being in beautiful surroundings, the Hamptons mosquito just sees despair. Whether it’s about dating, marriage, business, or even financial problems, this creature’s constant complaining sucks the very life out of you. Get away before it is too late.

 

The Southampton Social Butterfly is usually found on a weekend in the Hamptons flitting around a party typically wearing something overly ornate for the occasion, just to get noticed. The Social Butterfly must have a form of ADD, because whenever it’s talking to you at a party, it constantly scans the room looking for someone better. Like most other butterflies, the Social Butterfly consumes only liquids (such as juice cleanses) to maintain its water balance, energy store, and girlish figure.

 

The East Hampton Spider, like the Talented Mr. Ripley, is a smooth talker that comes out of nowhere and claims it belongs. You invite the spider on your yacht. You invite the spider into your home. It tells you outlandish stories, which at first seem plausible, but then don’t seem to check out. One lie comes after another and before the summer is over, you are trapped in a wicked web of deceit of Madoff proportions. The best way to exterminate this arachnid is by using a product called Google. Seriously folks, it’s 2014, don’t get duped, just Google!

 

The Hamptons Housefly is the only species that is a year-round native found in all the towns located along the South and North Forks. This domestic fly is usually overheard complaining about the annual summer invasion of all the city insects.

 

The Bridgehampton Bed Bug is well known to those who own or even rent a home in the Hamptons. Related to both the Couch Surfing insect and the Unwanted Houseguest Fly, this bug is perhaps the most prevalent bug that you will encounter this summer.

 

The Westhampton Ants just can’t get a break. Creatures are always stomping on their sand castles that they meticulously create along the beach. All the other insects are always laughing and calling them names. It is quite tragic, really. It almost seems that the insults are the equivalent of frying the little ants under a magnifying glass.

 

As if traffic in the Hamptons isn’t already at a snail’s pace, the Sag Harbor Escargot is constantly devising ways to slow down traffic even more in this town. Whether it’s pylons, speed bumps, or roundabouts, this mollusk’s traffic-calming measures will ensure that you arrive at your party so fashionably late that you might already be out of style.

 

The Amagansett “Beatle,” is native to the United Kingdom and typically invades the Hamptons for the summer months. This endangered insect known for producing melodious music is only one of two remaining species of Beatles in the world (the other remaining member of the species, the Ringo “Beatle,” is typically found in London near Eaton Square).

 

The Swarming Gnats: They’re currently filming a reality series about a new store that they just opened on Jobs Lane in Southampton. Enough said.

 

One person who will never bug me is Clint Eastwood. From the Spaghetti Westerns to Dirty

Harry to Jersey Boys, this iconic actor/director/writer/former mayor who once said he “had an actor [he] wanted to punch out one time” is a force not to be reckoned with. Hampton Sheet readers are in for a treat with the cover story on Eastwood by special guest contributor Roger Friedman (Showbiz411.com).

 

Also in this month’s issue of The Sheet are our regular columns, party coverage, movie premieres, and, of course, our calendar that is chock full of the best-of-the-best events this summer. As for the bugs, if, this season, you identify any new species to add to my compendium, let me know. In the meantime, take your mind off of the sweltering heat and enjoy The Sheet! And last but not least, tune in to my weekly 1010WINS report: Joan Jedell’s Red Carpet Scoop for your up-to-date celebrity scoop!