Joan Jedell

   If there's one thing A-list Hamptonites abhor more than anything else, it's being outdone. So it's only natural that we upstage London with our own (un)official 2012 Hamptons Summer Olympics. But this sporting event isn't about athletes demonstrating their superhuman strength or corporate sponsors raking in a bundle. It's about fun and big-time charity parties, dahlings! Because if there's one sport Cashamptonites excel at, it's Olympian philanthropy.
   Hey, maybe the official East End Olympic venue should be named Shafiroff Stadium—Jean is an indisputable Olympian of altruism! (More on Jean later.) The glam event lineup would include:
   Party-cycle marathon: East End party animals will be put to the test as they cycle from the stadium to a round of A-list events. Contenders for the gold must water-slide and wall-climb at the Great Outdoors Family Fair in Bridgehampton, wine-taste at the James Beard Foundation's Chefs & Champagne event at the Wölffer Estate Vineyard in Sag Harbor, then head to the Bay Street Theatre's Summer Gala Benefit for cocktails and hors d'oeuvres. Then competitors bike back to Water Mill, dash through the Hampton Designer Showhouse's Gala Preview Party for more cocktails and hors d'oeuvres, and cycle on to the Unconditional Love Gala chaired by Jean Shafiroff to dine and dance till the wee hours. The last-standing party animal wins!
   Polo schmoozathon: VIP schmoozers will have a field day at the opening day of the Bridgehampton Polo Club—and this schmoozathon runs for six consecutive Saturdays! The first spectator who actually watches the Polo Challenge from start to finish and delivers a blow-by-blow account to a panel of judges cops top prize.
    Designer sprint: If you've noticed the East End's most celebrated clotheshorses jogging everywhere lately, it's because they're training in overdrive for the race. They'll sprint from the stadium to Super Saturday's over-the-top "garage sale" in Water Mill, featuring over 200 top designers and hosted by Kelly Ripa, Donna Karan, InStyle, and QVC. The contestant who crosses the stadium finish line with the most shopping bags takes home the gold as well.
    Women's long-distance schlepathon: Note to A-listers: Call your personal trainer immediately for emergency workouts. Runners will race three miles around Lake Agawam in Jimmy Choos for Strides for Life in support of the Lung Cancer Research Foundation. The fastest high-heeled runner to complete the schlep gets the gold. (Warning: Contestants will be drug-tested for steroids!)
    Women's plastic pentathlon: Whoever completes five plastic surgery ops first is the Olympic champ (the Bride of Wildenstein is banned for unfair advantage).
    Men's takeover wrestling: The honcho who can do a $1 billion LBO on his cell phone in less than 30 minutes wins.
    Women's glamathon: Closing ceremony and gala dinner at the stadium. Fashionistas pull out all the stops in their priciest couture. The contestant whose gown, jewels, and footwear (and undergarments) carry the overall highest price tag is crowned Olympics Queen (all costs verified by PricewaterhouseCoopers).
    Check out The Sheet's Hot Dates for locations and times for these "Olympic" events!
    Hamptonites don't just go for the gold— we give for the gold! And the worthy causes are endless. Jean Shafiroff, as a prime example, has dedicated her formidable organizational skills and generosity to charities for women, healthcare, and animals (she own five rescue dogs!). In the past two years alone, she's helped to raise over $3.7 mil for Southampton Hospital. And this year she'll chair 80 charity events!—including the Southampton Animal Shelter Unconditional Love Gala and the Southampton Bath & Tennis Club Charitable Fund. (Check out my Q&A with Jean.)
    It's all fun and games, but at the end of the day, the real gold medals are given to those with gold hearts.
    Now it's benefit party time....

Enjoy The Sheet!

Joan Jedell appears on national and local TV.
Her photographs are syndicated worldwide.