Joan Jedell

Something very strange is going down in the Hamptons. At every lunch, cocktail party, restaurant, and charity bash it seems that VIPs are on edge, eyeballing anyone suspicious around them. The Rich & Glitzy are on their knees peeking through hedges, scanning their digs, tennis courts, and private beaches with binoculars. And should anyone surprise them from behind at a party, they’re ready to shoot. This isn’t the IRS giving them the shakes—the Russians have landed ... in the Hamptons! And we’re not talking about Russian Hamptonites who are rolling in caviar and very much part of the scene. No—it’s spies! They’re lurking everywhere, like flies.

Hey, so why are the Russians spying on us anyway? All they need to do is hit Facebook or the rest of the Net, bloggers or Twitter—where every let-it-all-hang-out secret is exposed. America’s pretty much of an open book, isn’t she? Well, forget infiltrating Washington policy-wonks or getting the dirt on Star Wars weapons. The Sheet has learned what the snoops are really after: the TOP SECRETS OF THE HAMPTONS A-LIST! This is the real Star Wars! The spies want to know every little detail about the most glamorous playground of the well-heeled. And these snoopers aren’t geezers in fur caps with borscht-thick accents. One, for instance, is a redheaded socialite! The question on every A-lister’s surgical lips is: Have you had dinner with Anna Chapman??

Now, if you have the least suspicion that the table partner you’re schmoozing with might be a cloak-and-dagger mole, it’s constitutionally mandatory that under no condition you mention:

• who styles your hair… such as Rodolfo Valentin

• your personal trainer … like Radu

• your nip/tuck specialist … like Dr. Dan Baker

• the Southampton Hospital charity guest list—or any guest list for that matter

• not so much as a recipe! Just ask restaurateur Nello Balan, who told me, “I actually caught two spies yesterday myself in front of my restaurant, trying to bribe one of my waiters to get my chicken soup and carbonara sauce recipes! And just this morning I spotted one in my garden secretly photographing my hydrangeas on an iPhone ... I bought a special organic spray to keep those pesky critters out.” But pest spray squashes bugs—not bugging devices.

At a hush-hush-invite poolside brunch, microchip cameras have been found in a platter of wafer-sliced smoked meats and fish—why, it’s a new Cold Cut War! Because every Russian agent is dying to be a “spy on the wall” behind the Cashampton hedges and use their laptops, modems and BlackBerries to pass on ‘state’ secrets of our Hamptons Lifestyle!

Now if you suspect you’re face to face with a spook, you must deliberately feed misinformation. Tell the double agent:

• A “dynamite” Hamptons party means after-dinner TNT blasts on the back lawn.

• Bridgehampton Polo is a big Ralph Lauren outlet sale.

• Sag Harbor is the Hampton for anyone who hasn’t had a full-body lift.

But, it could be too late. The snoops have found out exactly Who’s Who in the Hamptons. And now they want to do a swap. Oh, they don’t care about their spies in the States. They want to swap U.S. spies over there for VIPS over here! They want us to hand over state-of-the-art party queen Denise Rich; Doc Neil Sadick for cosmetic weapon technology; chiropractor-to-the-stars Doc Michael Smatt on how to loosen up anyone; Andrea Stark, who could train any spy on expert networking; Loreen Arbus for secret tips on the tango; Ivana Trump and Madonna on how to recruit boy toys; George Hamilton on how to keep a 24/7 tan; Peggy Siegal for the best PR—even if it pisses off the country and, most of all, The NY Post Page Six’s Richard Johnson for how to get the scoop on anything ... just to name a few.

The only crew even the spies wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole is the homegrown, self-proclaimed socialites on The Real Housewives of New York—even the Russkies can tell wannabes from the real thing!

Our Hamptons Lifestyle IS the real Fantasy Island. It can’t be duplicated, imitated, or stolen! ... Spy time? Or party time!

Enjoy The Sheet!

Joan Jedell appears on national and local TV.
Her photographs are syndicated worldwide.