Are you there, readers? It’s me, Mrs. Tittle-Tattle. It was a long, rough winter, and everybody is glad that spring is here. One thing that made me feel a little bit better about freezing my New York buns off in February was that I heard that Palm Beach was so cold one week that people were playing golf in their fur jackets. The other thing that made this past winter season bearable was watching the Olympics. Let’s face it: We New Yorkers are always bombarded with bad news about psychos and scammers (and I’m not just talking about the people in your co-op), so when we have something to be happy and proud of, it’s a welcome relief.

The more I watched these Olympic athletes, the more I thought how fun it would be to have our own version of the games right in our own backyard. Since social climbing is clearly the local sport, why not a Park Avenue Olympics? Everyone is already competing, so why not dole out some medals and celebrate the skill and dedication it takes to best your fellow Upper East Siders? Here are some potential events:

  1. The 400 Meter Schmooze: New Yorkers don’t luge, but they certainly schmooze. In this event, socialites will start at Swifty’s and have to recognize and air-kiss as many important people as they can, then trot over to Sette Mezzo and do the same thing. Extra points if you can double-cheek kiss in the same amount of time without knocking chins, but deductions for lipstick smears. Whoever can schmooze the most people within the fastest time, wins. If you fall over as you run in your Manolos from one restaurant to the other, you lose 10 points. If someone refuses to kiss you back, you are immediately disqualified.

  2. Uphill climbing: Downhill skiing has nothing on the uphill climbing that wannabe socialites have to do in order to achieve Olympic social status on the Park Avenue circuit. Aspirants must relentlessly climb the social ladder, and women who are especially good at jumping moguls (the media and business kind) increase their chances of winning.

  3. Speed Dialing (for pre-school): Speed skating is for wimps compared to speed dialing for pre-schools the day after Labor Day to get an application. This super-competitive event can only be played as a team sport (includes other family members, nannies, housekeepers, and anyone else with working fingers you can enlist to dial the top nursery schools in Manhattan). Whichever team gets the most applications first wins (extra points for elite schools, deductions for B-list ones).

  4. Dinner Party Seating Slalom: Table seating is something you really need training and endurance for, so this event often takes years to master. Competitors must seat and re-seat a dinner party for thirty, while facing multiple obstacles, such as last-minute cancellations, finding out that a couple you invited is splitting up because the man is having an affair with another guest you invited, one guest just nixed another guest’s club membership application, and another guest was indicted for insider trading. Whoever creates the most masterful last-minute seating that results in a flawless party, wins!

  5. “Ice” dancing: This ice has nothing to do with skating—we’re talking big, shiny diamonds here. This is a women’s sport only, where ladies appear in their finest jewels and spin in circles around each other, waving their rocks to see whose diamonds create the biggest and brightest sparkles. Extra points for ladies whose diamonds are so impressive that they make other women physically sick from jealousy, forcing them to be disqualified.

  6. Straightening: In Vancouver, curling was the rage, but in Manhattan it’s all about straightening––our hair, that is. In this event, always bet on either the Brazilian or the Japanese. And I mean the treatments, not the people. Anybody with naturally straight hair is disqualified. Whoever can go from the curliest, frizziest hair to the straightest, WASPY-ist locks (if you blend in at The Cosmopolitan Club you get extra points), wins.

  7. Skeleton Racing: No sleds needed for this – just bring your supreme prowess in refusing to eat and you could be a medalist. The winner is the one who looks the most skeletal in her designer dress, but is still able to dance, drink, and make an intelligent speech at a benefit without passing out from hunger.

  8. Cross-country fleeing: This event is for Ponzi schemers, ex-husbands, crooked lawyers and accountants, and anyone else looking for a quick escape. The competitor who has committed the most heinous and despicable acts, and who flees the farthest and fastest in record time, wins.

Start training now for the Park Avenue Olympics by sharpening your claws and building up your contacts. As many a husband-hunting hottie would say, “Go for the Gold!”