Joan Jedell

Perhaps Tiger took the Nike slogan, “Just Do It,” just a tad too far. If he were a bachelor playboy, his sex-capades might have made him a tabloid mega-star: World’s richest athlete, puppy-faced “Boy About Town and his Female Petting Zoo”—makes hot copy.

So here’s a question for you, Tiger: Why put on a wedding ring in the first place? The media buzz on the street says you made heartfelt confessions to your revolving harem: You told ‘em you tied the knot for your image and were oh-too-bored with Elin. So why did you take the vows? You could have spared yourself lost time, money, a scorned spouse, career—and from a humiliating public apology that looked more like a presidential “State of the Union” address.

Hey, come to think of it, it was Tiger’s “State of HIS Union” address—his marriage might just be in worse shape than the rest of the country! Wait a second, maybe Tiger should run for president: He’s already scandalized a la Clinton, Spitzer, Edwards—so he could be a shoe-in!

Dozens of TV networks, cable stations and online streams flashed the 14-minute “State of His Union” address around the globe as millions tuned in—and Wall Street trades nearly came to a standstill. Shamefaced Tiger was oh-so-sorry for what just could be a world record. No, not on the course, where the 34-year-old is five big wins away from being the top golf champ ever. But off the greens, Tiger may have scored more holes-in-one than any other serial sex cheat in history.

“I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to,” he admitted almost in tears. “I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn’t have to go far to find them.”

According to reports, seems like Tiger found whatever his putt-putt desired including: threesomes, $60,000-a-shot quickies in hotels or his Cadillac Escalade, and other liaisons with porn stars and waitresses who were accustomed to monthly payouts between 5 to 10 grand to keep their lips zipped and Tiger unzipped.

“I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself.” Yep, that’s true, Tiger, but it’s par for the course. Why do hitched super-celebs, politicos and heavy hitters think they’re entitled and untouchable to begin with—and why is it always “sorry” after the dirty deed? Was the word “fidelity” not mentioned during the nuptials? And what about that R-E-S-P-E-C-T for the lifey with the wifey?

So yep, Tiger fessed up: “I hurt my wife, my kids ... my friends, my foundation, and kids all around the world who admired me.” Not to mention sponsors like Gatorade, who’ve dropped him like a burning golf ball. And then right after the sob speech Tiger was whisked back to the sex addict clinic—his Get Out of Jail Free card?

Here’s a new version of “The Hokey Pokey” tune inspired by Tiger:

Ya take your putt-putt out,
Ya put your putt-putt in and you shake it all about.
Ya do the hokey-rehab,
And ya think ya turned yourself around,
But that’s NOT what it’s all a-bout!

Conclusion: A Tiger never changes its stripes. You don’t get my vote.
Um ... and ladies, if you’re fooling around with a sexy beast who ya think is only true to only you, please take a reality check­­—As the old Standard Oil slogan goes: “Is there a Tiger in your tank?”

Enjoy The Sheet.

Joan Jedell appears on national and local TV.
Her photographs are syndicated worldwide.