It’s as American as apple pie and the Fourth of July. This country loves to watch its celebrities climb up on a pedestal. And then stare, fixated, as they come toppling down. Inevitably, after an appropriate number of column inches in the nation’s magazines and the usual confessional interviews, the very same stars will come out of seclusion, stage a comeback, and be resurrected!

We’ve seen it all before. There’s an unwritten pecking order of crimes warranting banishment and resurrection. Poor judgment in behavior, performance, and public commentary are better than financial transgressions, which are better than addictions, which are better than assaults, which are better than sexual deviance. And all of the above are better than murder.

“Pay-per-view” actors Hugh Grant and Eddie Murphy were each arrested for their bad choices in late-night extracurricular dating partners. Well, boys will be boys. In 1995, Hugh apologized on The Tonight Show to his audience and to then-girlfriend Liz Hurley. He has since starred in his trademark nice—and not-so-nice—roles (in Notting Hill, About a Boy, Love Actually, and the Bridget Jones franchise.

After Eddie’s 1997 faux pas, his marriage ended (just this year), but he has come back to star in such child-friendly films as Dr. Doolittle and Daddy Daycare, and is the animated voice of the beloved donkey in the Shrek films.

Sportscaster Marv “bite-me” Albert was fired in 1997 by NBC after pleading guilty to misdemeanor assault and battery (biting a woman’s back 18 times!) in a Virginia hotel room. After passing time during a 12-month suspended sentence, Marv was hired by MSG Network and Turner Sports.

Mike “slip me some ear” Tyson went from “chewing part of an ear off” of Evander Holyfield during a 1997 Vegas heavyweight match to nibbling the lobe of singer Samantha Cole at hot spot Boutique in Bridgehampton. (Her ears are ringing now, in another way, as her name gets tossed around as the first teen singer/assistant that Peter Cook, philandering architect now separated from Christie Brinkley, dallied with—10 years ago!)

Dickie “toe-sucking” Morris lost his position as political advisor to Bill Clinton right before the 1996 election, when his escort service/girlfriend revealed his fetish for toe sucking (hers) and her ability to listen in on presidential phone calls. Dick has recently reemerged as a political pundit on Fox TV and in The New York Post.

Despite his drug addiction and early-90s rehab and prison stretches, Robert “up and” Downey, Jr., has never been out of work. Since 1992, he has remarried and appeared in more than 10 films, including Good Night, and Good Luck; Disney’s The Shaggy Dog; and this summer, A Scanner Darkly.

Martha “lock, stock, and barrel” Stewart has served her time in jail and is back in the media, full force! So what if her “apprenticeship” with The Donald didn’t work out? He’s a solo act. Everyone knew there could never be two CEOs.

“Multiple personalities” Connie Chung, Rosie O’Donnell, and Star Jones Reynolds all lost their audience base by stepping out of character and diluting their brand. Connie, always the buttoned-up and precise journalist/anchor, delivered a cynical, badly sung cabaret performance, sporting an evening gown and heels on the day of her final MSNBC husband/wife show, Weekends With Maury [Povich] & Connie. The singing (or is it sinking?) anchor doesn’t yet get the flap, and has urged viewers to “get a life!”

Star’s vocal departure from The View turned the usually sorority-like collegiality at the round table into a catfight. Over nine years, the former prosecutor morphed from a smart, no-nonsense, comfortable Earth mother into a slimmed-down, glamorized, nouveau Diana Ross, who grew more trivial by the day. Eventually she went too far, turning her 2004 wedding into a marketing opportunity that resembled the Indianapolis 500. Now that she has crashed and burned, it’s easy to think her days onscreen are over. She’s had a brief gig on a cable home show, and is weighing her next move in TV. Don’t write her off just yet!

Come September, the once rosy Rosie will be back on the air. For six years she hosted a successful morning talk show, embodying a big-hearted, adoptive mother with a serious crush on Tom Cruise, a love for Broadway theater, empathy for American housewives, and an entourage of star-struck high school friends. After leaving in 2002, Rosie rapidly became a vocal gay-rights advocate; married her long-time girlfriend, Kelli Carpenter; engaged in a down-and-dirty law suit with Gruhner & Jahr over control of her magazine, Rosie; and lost millions producing Taboo, the life story of Boy George, on Broadway. Now she will bring her sharp tongue and outspoken views to The View, in Meredith Vieira’s chair, and we can’t wait!

If anyone is more deserving of resurrection, it’s Dan Rather. This gracious and talented man was shown the door by CBS after more than four decades as a consummate reporter and anchor. This denouement followed his controversial 2004 60 Minutes II report on George W. Bush’s military service. Now he is off to seek out new frontiers—in online video news and as host of a weekly news program on HDNet, the high-definition TV channel. What a waste of a great national treasure—for Dan Rather to be exiled to a small, remote station that most people will never see. Shame on us for letting this happen! Or, rather, let’s all go out and buy a high-definition TV, so we can tune in. We predict a strong resurrection!

And then there’s Enron’s Ken “pass go, drop dead, and get out of jail free” Lay. We always predicted Ken would “get away with it” and never spend a day incarcerated, but little did we know just how it would play out. Here’s a guy in need of another kind of resurrection! But his higher power will determine that….