Photo by Tom Gates

It may be ice-cold comfort to the thousands of wiped-out (as in zilch!) investors, school trusts, charities, and at least two heavyweights who allegedly committed suicide. But if the Scumdog Billionaire gets the max for his 11 felonies, at least we can say CATCH YA IN 150 YEARS, BERNIE! Maybe the judge should dole out a tougher sentence­­­­­­—a new bris with no anesthesia. Hey, Bernie took a cut of everybody’s losses—let’s take a cut of Bernie!

In the meantime the media will crank out a gazillion words—about how Bernie L. (“Louse”) Madoff Ponzi-schemed for 20 years, about how he whipped out phony statements to con the faithful, how he laundered (we’re not talking “spring-fresh” Tide) and shifted megabucks between banks to create the delusion of trading. And maybe even about what made the scoundrel tick inside (is it Mommy you’re still mad at, Bernie?). But the press ought to focus on the biggest tragedy of all: This DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN didn’t have to! Scumdog could have been nailed years ago!

Why are we RE-ACTIVE rather than PRO-ACTIVE? To get an order of protection, you first have to get KILLED to PROVE your life is in danger. Advance warnings about terrorist attacks? Forget it—till 9/11!

Tip-offs on bad cops? They’re all good cops till one EXECUTES a few suckers gangland-style. Background checks on rape hotline counselors? They’re all there to lend a hand—till one goes out and commits hands-on RAPE after hours. And pastors are saints, till one MOLESTS the little ones!

And so it is with the Scumdog Scandal. Nine years ago a Boston investment manager named Harry Markopolos smelled a RAT. His bosses wanted to match Madoff’s double-digit payouts to their investors, so they asked Harry—the office math whiz—to figure out just how Bernie did it. Markopolos used computer analysis to track Scumdog’s company reports, and GUESS WHAT? He discovered the numbers didn’t add up—in fact, they were mathematically IMPOSSIBLE!

Again and again he warned the SEC that Madoff was nothing but a PHONY GRIFTER. Did they listen? Course not! Maybe they were too busy investigating Martha Stewart’s recipe for insider trading (of which she was never convicted—lying to the Feds was enough to send her to jail)! In 2005 Markopolos wrote the SEC about the likely scenario that “Madoff Securities is the world’s largest Ponzi Scheme.” What did the SEC do? BUPKUS!

Now everybody’s listening. Markopolos told a Congressional Panel months ago that “the SEC is a failed regulator unable to protect investors.” (That should help you lose even more sleep!) Harry said it took him FIVE minutes to figure out Madoff was running a scam. He kept pounding the SEC to take up the case—but perhaps they were too scared of Madoff or paid not to care: “I gift-wrapped and delivered the largest Ponzi scheme in history to them,” Harry testified. “Somehow they couldn’t be bothered to conduct a thorough and proper investigation ... Unfortunately, as they didn’t respond to my written submissions in 2000, 2001, 2005, 2007 and 2008, here we are today.”

Well, how about this. Okay, so Prisoner 61727-054 now lives in a cell a tenth of the size of his walk-in closet (luckily, Bernie liked to buy so many of the exact same suits, shirts, ties, and shoes that daily PRISON GARB should be a breeze in that department). Sure, we’ve heard it’s lights-on 24/7, and he dines next to the toilet—Bernie’s new home is so grim it’s broken even the most hardened criminal. Unfair torture? Well, he never pointed a gun, but Bernie resorted to the lethal weapon of money to knowingly shatter thousands of lives. Doesn’t that make him a serial killer?

What if every so-called “authority” at the SEC who ignored the warnings were also thrown into Bernie’s cell—they could all feel the same SQUEEZE every ripped-off client feels who can’t pay their mortgage or their bills. As for Scumdog, what else does he deserve? A Caribbean cruise? Hey, not a bad idea: Put him on a yacht to Guantanamo ... I’m SURE those “investigators” can “convince” him to SHOW US THE MONEY! And if that doesn’t work ... well, guess it’s BYE BYE BERNIE into the sea ... one shark deserves another.

Enjoy The Sheet!

Joan Jedell appears on national and local TV.
Her photographs are syndicated worldwide.