Hampton Sheet: It seems stories about bullying show up in the news nowadays at an alarming rate. What’s happening in this country?
Dr. Testa: It’s not just this country—it’s a worldwide epidemic. Some of it comes from the changes in our perception of how people ought to treat one another, especially how a husband is supposed to treat his wife. But I also think the added stress of modern-day life has led some people to act out, as has happened with all these school shootings, where the shooters have all been the victims of bullying themselves.
Hampton Sheet: Why did you become so involved in this issue?
Dr. Testa: First of all, I was bullied as a child, so I sympathize with the victims of this form of abuse. And then in my practice, I see so many people who are the victims of bullying. So when you are immersed in it as I am, you want to reach out to help people, and that’s why I wrote this book.
Hampton Sheet: Most grown-ups think of bullying as something we no longer have to face.
Dr. Testa: That’s true. But only because we so often give it another name, like domestic abuse. But the boys and girls who were bullies as children grow up to be bullies as adults, so it’s really all part of the same spectrum.
Hampton Sheet: In your book you talk about the many types of bullies: the Rage Bully, the Name-Calling Bully, the Sex Bully, the Passive-Aggressive Bully, the Silent-Treatment Bully. I never thought of the “silent treatment” as being a bullying tactic.
Dr. Testa: But that’s exactly what it is. The bully is trying to control the other person. If two people have a problem and they talk it out, then there is usually a compromise on both parts. But a bully doesn’t compromise, and instead does everything he or she can to maintain control. It may be subtle, and the victims may not recognize the manipulation as bullying, but they’re defi nitely being negatively impacted.
Hampton Sheet: In your book you talk about the Inner Bully. What’s that?
Dr. Testa: The psychological term is introject. If you’ve been getting negative messages from the time you were a child, you internalize that negativity and then your inner bully takes over.
Hampton Sheet: That sounds serious.
Dr. Testa: It can be more serious than dealing with an external bully because there can be no escaping from it. It can affect every facet of your life and be much harder to overcome. You can run away from a bully but how do you run away from yourself?
Hampton Sheet: If someone has a problem with a bully, what can he or she do about it?
Dr. Testa: I’ve developed a three-step program to deal with bullies that I call the A.R.T. method. The fi rst step is to acknowledge the problem. So many victims refuse to accept the truth about their situation. They minimize what the bully is doing to them, because the bullying doesn’t occur all the time. They hope that tomorrow will be better, though it never is. Until you recognize that you’re dealing with a bully, you can’t possibly make any progress.
Hampton Sheet: What’s the next step?
Dr. Testa: You have to reassess your options. Of course, one option is to get out of the relationship. That may sound obvious, but if you don’t accept that possibility then you’re stuck. In many cases you don’t have to leave, but leaving has to be an option or your other options won’t carry much weight.
Hampton Sheet: What are those other options?
Dr. Testa: Most bullies are cowards at heart. They became bullies because they were bullied themselves, often by their parents. If you stand up to a bully and tell him or her to stop it, many will. If you hold a mirror up to that person and let him see what he’s been doing, if that person loves you, he can learn to stop bullying—sometimes with the assistance of some professional counseling.
Hampton Sheet: And the last step?
Dr. Testa: Take action. Even if you’re scared out of your mind, you have to do whatever it takes to get out from under the control of this bully and take back your life. You might think that staying is the easy way out, but it’s not. Once you take action, whatever happens, a great weight will be lifted from your shoulders.
Hampton Sheet: Many victims, I imagine, are afraid of a violent reaction.
Dr. Testa: Some bullies graduate to physical abuse, but the vast majority don’t. If you’ve been living with someone for years and that person bullied you but never physically attacked you, he or she probably won’t if you stand up. You might even find that you get a big thank you, because there’s a lot of stress on the bully, as well as the victim.
Hampton Sheet: Thank you, Anne-Reneé, for your fabulous book and for taking up this cause.
Dr. Anne-Renée Testa is America’s Psychologist and Relationship CoachTM with a private practice in Manhattan. She’s an author and lecturer, and appears regularly on shows like Today, Maury, Montel and Fox News. She has homes in Manhattan and the Hamptons.
