The more irons you have in the fire, the more likely it is that you'll get roasted! Billionaire real estate mogul/media hound Donald Trump discovered that fact at this year's blistering ("it's all in good fun") Friars Club Roast at the Hilton. The hefty 75-person dais was filled with celebs, foul-mouthed funnymen (and women), and "alleged" friends. The insults were flying about his real estate losses, wealth, ex-wives, and, of course, his much-mocked coif. In honor of the occasion, The Master of Brand Extension cast off his signature pursed lips, creased eyebrows, and intense demeanor for an amused grin and a couple of guffaws. At times, he squirmed in his seat-but all in all, he took the afternoon of ribald ribbing well.
Among the heavy-with-hubris roasters (commemorating the Friars Club's 100th anniversary): Geraldo Rivera, Stone Phillips, Jerry Orbach, Victoria Gotti, LeRoy Neiman, Miss USA 2004 Shandi Finnessey, Liz Smith, Vincent Pastore, Jerry Stiller, Michael Gelman, Mike Wallace, Richard Belzer, Michael Spinks, Isaac Hayes, John McEnroe and Patty Smyth, Abe Vigoda, Howard Lorber, Dominic Chianese, and Apprentice winner Bill Rancic. Those on the stage soon found that their very presence made them fair game, as well. Katie Couric blushed when Friars Club dean Freddie Roman gave Donald a short reprieve and poked fun at her, instead. "Katie's a little cranky lately," he told the crowd. "She's dating one of the owners of the Boston Red Sox, which means she hasn't gone all the way since 1918." (Roman may want to eat his words now!)
Emcee and longtime comrade Regis Philbin (sporting the same hot pink tie as Trump), warned the guest of honor: "These people are trained, professional killers. They want to say things in public to you that they've been saying behind your back for years!"
It was no holds barred, as the comics kept the audience in stitches with the fast and furious Trump-bashing. "I heard your hair ordered the salmon," mocked Susie Essman of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm. NBC Prez (and Trump's reality-show boss) Jeff Zucker also poked fun at the infamous 'do. The Apprentice was actually the second show Donald pitched to us… the first was called Extreme Combover," he quipped. Zucker then added, "By the way, I got the invitation to the wedding, but I can't make it. I'll catch the next one!" Comic Dick Capri chimed in with, "I bought Donald's book How to Get Rich. I looked at my bank account and I'm out $24.95."
The Rev. Al Sharpton, joining in the fun, told the crowd that Donald had wanted him to read the prenups during one of his marriage ceremonies! Cursing-comic Lisa Lampanelli (clad in a nun's habit as her character Esther Rabinowitz, the lesbian nun), bluntly stated what most of America is thinking: "If Donald asked Melania, 'Would you love me if I were poor?' Melania would say, 'Would you love me if I were ugly?'"
Also hitting below the belt was longtime Friar and Atlantic City comedian Stewie Stone, who said, "If your father wasn't born a billionaire first, you'd be a [bleeping] waiter at this event." Comedian Rich Vos of NBC's Last Comic Standing insisted, "The reason Trump puts his name on his buildings is so the banks know which ones to take back!"
Amidst all the barbs, there was grudging praise. Comic/actor Robert Klein thanked the man whose name is synonymous with quality for helping to revive Central Park's Wollman Skating Rink. "Even with the ego and everything else, this is a great New Yorker," he said.
As the Friars like to say, "We only roast the ones we love!" Mr. Trump was well-done….
